I've been working my ass off as of late. I haven't had, or done much worrying about Rob. The farther I get away from him, the better I feel about being apart and the more and more I dislike him as a person. A couple of weeks ago, he took me off of his friends list on Facebook because I had the page tabbed and was consumed at work and didn't answer his asshole question of "hay, you can't answer text messages?" LIKE I WOULD WANT TO! I ignored him that friday, because it made me feel better to know he wanted to hang out. That was enough for me. His little bitch fit just justifies who he is as a person. Why would I want to be around some one that makes me feel like shit all the time? I can hang out with my EXHUSBAND REGULARLY and he doesn't make me feel like shit. How does that work and you don't?
Rob is just a big loser. I should have listened to my friends earlier and saved myself some time. I've picked out a ring that I'm going to buy to remind myself to never let my standards waver, ever. Until some one puts another ring on that finger, I'm going to be hard about who I love. After all, I am way too good of a girl to put up with shit. I am way too nice, giving, loyal and honest for almost all of the relationships I've been through. And relationships like I've endured MAKE you subservient. I don't want to be the subservient one, I want to be some one equal. In due time...
I'm finding this no dating thing to be easy. I have no interest in getting to know some one new right now and spending all of my money on them. I quite enjoy having nice things, and making guys eyes light up wherever I go is enough for me. I rather enjoy being untouchable by any hands. That means no one owns me, and I can do as I please ALL THE TIME. Isn't that wonderful? I also don't feel restrained in conversation. I really like being extroverted, honest and talkative. I feel like I have nothing to hide; like a bad boyfriend that embarasses me on a regular basis and make me cry. Who wants that?
I also felt at one point like I needed Rob. When I was unemployed my network was so small, and I couldn't do anything without him. I felt like he was my support when in the end, IYE supported me. I was the one that made me feel better. He never once offered a lending hand. If ever that came from some one else, it was from friends. Who wants to be with some one who is not supportive? I don't.
And who wants to be with some one who doesn't want to listen to you talk about your problems? WTF IS THAT? Who acts like that? Who is in a relationship and doesn't want to talk? Or listen? This makes no sense to me. He makes no sense to me. Know why? BECAUSE HES BATSHIT CRAZY.
Needless to say, my life right now is really good. I LOVE my job. I love my weekends. Things are just fucking fantastic. I just started my credit. I'll be paying off my card next month (Oct) and saving a ton so I can get a new car before January. I want a 2002 Honda Accord. Very nice, very reliable and very affordable. I should be starting classes in January as well. There is no if ands or buts about it. If I can't get a loan, I'm going to use the money I saved up to buy a couple classes instead of a car. I would prefer to get a loan to pay for four classes (2 in spring, 2 in summer). I hope I can make it happen. I REALLY want to get the ball rolling for school.
This is Jenni time. And this is seriously defining selfishness. Because being at least a tiny bit selfish feels SOOO good. Love for yourself is essential to happiness.
9.28.2008
9.08.2008
And Then I Get Home
And what happens? Life seems just a tad harder and all of the things I couldn't think about while I was at work come flooding back. I hate that I can't get over this. I HATE IT. I just hate that this hasn't ceased to wrack my brain. What is it about him? What's so damn special? Really? What the fuck is it? I need Pros and Cons here.
Pros- He's funny. We have a LOT of the same interests. He's attractive. He's charming half of the time. He cares about me. He's got his financial shit straight. He's tall. He's always interesting. He gets me to talk some times. He has good taste. He has a good family.
Cons- He's selfish. He has low self esteam. He's ultra sensative. He's not emotionally mature. Hes not very smart. He lies to me. He withholds stuff from me. He never shares. He says shit that upsets me on a regular basis. He never notices the little things/sacrifices. He smokes pot, drinks and god knows what else. He could very possibly be bulimic.
I'm done with this. Its making me sleepy.
Pros- He's funny. We have a LOT of the same interests. He's attractive. He's charming half of the time. He cares about me. He's got his financial shit straight. He's tall. He's always interesting. He gets me to talk some times. He has good taste. He has a good family.
Cons- He's selfish. He has low self esteam. He's ultra sensative. He's not emotionally mature. Hes not very smart. He lies to me. He withholds stuff from me. He never shares. He says shit that upsets me on a regular basis. He never notices the little things/sacrifices. He smokes pot, drinks and god knows what else. He could very possibly be bulimic.
I'm done with this. Its making me sleepy.
Worst Weekend Without Divorce
I just had the second worst weekend of my life. I planned to go to the masquerade party Saturday night. "Rob" was going to go with me. GOING to. I found this a perfect oppertunity for jealousy. I looked STUNNING. I had the mask and everything. Hair with roses, bright red lips, tight dress, the works. Well, 1030 rolls around and he is too drunk to drive. So I start heading over and impose myself inside. I told him I was waiting on a call and ended up staying, getting drunk and freaking the fuck out on his couch. I don't know WHY, but I was balling uncontrollably until 5pm yesterday. I've been shakey eversince. I'm pretty sure that was a breakdown. almost 24 hours of semi-solid crying constitutes that much. Consequently, I'm in an odd mood today. I don't know what to think of what happened and I don't know how to conduct the rest of my week.
I'm not sure if I should just NOT call him or what. I know that there are tons of things Jenni needs to do for Jenni (thus the title of this blog). I shouldn't concern myself with all of this "Rob" bullshit. Though I explained myself to Brandon, who was a terrific listener last night. I put it this way: "Rob" is the only guy I felt like I needed although I know thats not true. He's also the only one I've ever seen myself with.
I'm sick of "Rob" and I wish I could just get over him. I should be awesome enough to, but I'm afraid I am not as of yet.
SO here I sit at work on a very unhappening Monday. The bosses are out of town until this evening, and Coty is on lunch break. I really am happy with this one. I plan to stay here for quite a while and get my ass through school. I'm lucky that this worked out and I realize that I could be in the desert somewhere already.
I went to Chris' yesterday to turn off his alarm clock that had been going off at 5am every day for the passed week. I saw flags that were in plastic bags accompanied by peices of paper that state who the flags go to with "fill in the blanks." Wow. If that doesnt hit you like a ton of bricks, I don't know what does. Pretty glad I haven't gone anywhere.
Ugh, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. I have got to figure positive things into my life somehow. Working out, eating right, hobbies, cleaning. It will get done. Now that I have a good job, I should be fine. I need to work on my friendships. Being alone all the time is shitty.
Anyway, I'm going to go smoke one and eat my salad for lunch. I'll write back BETTER later :)
I'm not sure if I should just NOT call him or what. I know that there are tons of things Jenni needs to do for Jenni (thus the title of this blog). I shouldn't concern myself with all of this "Rob" bullshit. Though I explained myself to Brandon, who was a terrific listener last night. I put it this way: "Rob" is the only guy I felt like I needed although I know thats not true. He's also the only one I've ever seen myself with.
I'm sick of "Rob" and I wish I could just get over him. I should be awesome enough to, but I'm afraid I am not as of yet.
SO here I sit at work on a very unhappening Monday. The bosses are out of town until this evening, and Coty is on lunch break. I really am happy with this one. I plan to stay here for quite a while and get my ass through school. I'm lucky that this worked out and I realize that I could be in the desert somewhere already.
I went to Chris' yesterday to turn off his alarm clock that had been going off at 5am every day for the passed week. I saw flags that were in plastic bags accompanied by peices of paper that state who the flags go to with "fill in the blanks." Wow. If that doesnt hit you like a ton of bricks, I don't know what does. Pretty glad I haven't gone anywhere.
Ugh, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. I have got to figure positive things into my life somehow. Working out, eating right, hobbies, cleaning. It will get done. Now that I have a good job, I should be fine. I need to work on my friendships. Being alone all the time is shitty.
Anyway, I'm going to go smoke one and eat my salad for lunch. I'll write back BETTER later :)
9.02.2008
That's Life
Things don't always turn out like you planned. In fact, I would say 99 percent of my life hasn't turned out like I originally planned. I got a call at 9 o'clock this morning that I most definitely wasn't anticipating. Coty called to tell me his sister was finally into hiring me and that she wanted to talk to me ASAP. I woke up, ate and rushed to Chris' house to close up shop then headed DIRECTLY to the office.
She ends up talking to me for a few hours. It was a gradual thing. She explained everything in a very sidetracked manner. It was hard to keep up with her thought patterns, but I guess I did a good job because she hired me. I'm basically on probabation for a couple of months until I get everything down pat. She just wants to make sure that I am smart enough to stay and actually WANT to stay. Of course I want to stay! This could mean a million wonderful things for Jenni!
I now have a really good, clerical, decent paying job. Hooray! I'll be able to afford getting the fuck out of this god forsaken house and getting on with my life that should be together already.
You know, after every time I watch Black Snake Moan I get into a duck/water analogy and forgive past bullshit immediately. I don't know why I have the ability to overlook really fucked up things in people. I just know that it's a horrible thing that I wish I would grow out of.
I still have the urge to rub "Rob's" face into his own shit. Part of me wants a friendship. Part of me wants a relationship. And the other larger chunk of me wants to make him CRAWL ON HIS FUCKING KNEES, CRY FOR FORGIVENESS AND WORSHIP ME. I think I'll make it happen. I know I have the ability. I'll just need to take it slowly.
I read a rule book that suggested I look ridiculous, be happy without him and flirt flirt flirt. That's not too hard. I'll start off first with the looking good part. I need to stop the smoking and start the running. Spend $$ and time on my hair, skin and nails. And wardrobe? OH! That will be the funnest part of all! SHOPPING! I think I eventually wanna go platinum blond. Need to lose weight first though. 15 lbs is doable.
Alright, I'm gg outside. I could sit here and revel, but I'm actually getting interaction.
She ends up talking to me for a few hours. It was a gradual thing. She explained everything in a very sidetracked manner. It was hard to keep up with her thought patterns, but I guess I did a good job because she hired me. I'm basically on probabation for a couple of months until I get everything down pat. She just wants to make sure that I am smart enough to stay and actually WANT to stay. Of course I want to stay! This could mean a million wonderful things for Jenni!
I now have a really good, clerical, decent paying job. Hooray! I'll be able to afford getting the fuck out of this god forsaken house and getting on with my life that should be together already.
You know, after every time I watch Black Snake Moan I get into a duck/water analogy and forgive past bullshit immediately. I don't know why I have the ability to overlook really fucked up things in people. I just know that it's a horrible thing that I wish I would grow out of.
I still have the urge to rub "Rob's" face into his own shit. Part of me wants a friendship. Part of me wants a relationship. And the other larger chunk of me wants to make him CRAWL ON HIS FUCKING KNEES, CRY FOR FORGIVENESS AND WORSHIP ME. I think I'll make it happen. I know I have the ability. I'll just need to take it slowly.
I read a rule book that suggested I look ridiculous, be happy without him and flirt flirt flirt. That's not too hard. I'll start off first with the looking good part. I need to stop the smoking and start the running. Spend $$ and time on my hair, skin and nails. And wardrobe? OH! That will be the funnest part of all! SHOPPING! I think I eventually wanna go platinum blond. Need to lose weight first though. 15 lbs is doable.
Alright, I'm gg outside. I could sit here and revel, but I'm actually getting interaction.
9.01.2008
Friends!
Today started off like any other. Woke up late due to nyquil. Played WoW. I played for a solid six hours at least. I went to the bank to check my balance then went to the store. Mom made food for the holiday and invited Chris over. We had chicken, corn and noodle salad. Wasn't too bad.
Chris and I ended up watching Black Snake Moan at his place. He got a nice new TV with his lease. We came back here with Bowser because he's going to be staying here for a week. YAY! BOWSER!!!!
I'm so happy to finally get to spend time with him although Pooba seems to not be too happy. He puts her in her place and she needs that. She doesn't think she does, but she does. I love them both to death. They're my puppies! :)
Tomorrow I'm going to clean up a little and give Bowser and Pooba baths. I have to go by Chris' after I get up to lock it. Boy how things have changed. You know, I never thought that I could have a positive friendship with Chris after the divorce. I finally see that good can come from such pain. I know he feels the same way towards me as I do towards him. I just hope that we can learn to confide in eachother better down the road. I think we have potential to be really close again, without breaking those boundaries. One day we'll be able to call eachother best friends without having those little things in the back of our minds, bet. Chris is a really good guy.
Anyways, I'm actually feeling a bit tired right now. I think I'm going to go chill. Not too motivated to write well.
Chris and I ended up watching Black Snake Moan at his place. He got a nice new TV with his lease. We came back here with Bowser because he's going to be staying here for a week. YAY! BOWSER!!!!
I'm so happy to finally get to spend time with him although Pooba seems to not be too happy. He puts her in her place and she needs that. She doesn't think she does, but she does. I love them both to death. They're my puppies! :)
Tomorrow I'm going to clean up a little and give Bowser and Pooba baths. I have to go by Chris' after I get up to lock it. Boy how things have changed. You know, I never thought that I could have a positive friendship with Chris after the divorce. I finally see that good can come from such pain. I know he feels the same way towards me as I do towards him. I just hope that we can learn to confide in eachother better down the road. I think we have potential to be really close again, without breaking those boundaries. One day we'll be able to call eachother best friends without having those little things in the back of our minds, bet. Chris is a really good guy.
Anyways, I'm actually feeling a bit tired right now. I think I'm going to go chill. Not too motivated to write well.
8.31.2008
Bored and Sad
Sometimes I just get so down. I just become immediately upset and withdraw from everything and everyone. I have no energy to get up and do anything. I just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders for no apparent reason. It seems like life is getting harder and coincidentally I'm becoming more and more of an emotional pussy. I hate it.
I usually think about how much hate I have for particular people which leads me into frustration. There I (usually) lay crying tears of frustration and anger for what can be up to three hours. I wonder why I was dealt the hand I hold and why it's taking me so long to start anew. I get really angry with myself for having sat and waited and been so disorganized and unfocused for so long. All of this is then immediately blamed on people who should be taking care of me and/or guiding me in the right direction instead of being hateful, neglectful and hurtful. I get angry that I haven't anything to show for years of sewing. I feel like there are a million things I deserve and have worked for that are not in my possesion.
First and foremost being some one to actively love and care for me. I have worked REALLY hard on relationships for the past five years. Learning much and giving more. Why do I still sit here, empty handed? What is it about me that is so incredibly unlovable? I've read a lot of relationship books out of curiousity, though I've never spent a dime on them. All of them point to "they just don't like you enough to love you enough to actively care."
Secondly, I haven't a job. Why is it so hard to find a decent job without crazy co-workers? I have had...1...2...3...4...5...6...jobs in the passed 5 years. All of which were REALLY HORRIBLE to put it lightly. I know that I am a dream employee as I am easy to get along with, very quick to learn, can work independently and efficiently and have high motivation/natural managerial skills. Not to mention highly impressive office/computer skills. Why won't anyone decent hire me? Do I look or smell funny?
Thirdly, I feel that if I want to get an education, I should be able to get an education. This is not the case for me, no. I cannot get an education because no one will financially help me get one. I don't think this is fair. The government needs to change some financial aid laws.
Last and not least, I feel like I deserve a family and a support system. I have put up with a lot of bullshit since 1994 and I feel like I fucking deserve a break. I have ABSOLUTELY NO ONE to talk to. I have people to pretend to be my friend out of courtesy, not because they enjoy me or love me but because they would feel like an asshole if they didn't pretend. Yes, this includes my parents and exboyfriends. That's all I have and it's not helping me out at all. My parents don't ask me anything. They don't ask me how I'm doing. They don't ask me if I need anything. They don't offer me anything. They don't even offer me advice unless it's something that would end up being beneficial to them. Out of the hundreds of people I know around here that are my age, my parents are the ONLY parents that refuse to help their child. If your parents are refusing to help you, please, let me know. I don't like feeling like I'm the only girl from a shitty upper middle class family in America.
Laying, sulking and feeling sorry for myself are not going to make my situation better. I know this. But once I start, its hard to snap out of it. Who have I to vent to other than a computer? No one. It's disheartening and understandably so. Times like this are when I become really angry that I don't have some one that I invested in to talk to.
With that being said, I've decided to make my new ex boyfriend feel incredibly bad about breaking up with me. I know he already feels bad because I'm probably the best girl friend ever. Hell, I've been working on being a good one for five years (almost) solid, I better be! I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it just yet. I know that I want to make him cry to my face or over the phone...something I can see or hear to happily remember later on...
See, I've been putting up with (let's say his name is...) Rob's shit for almost a year. We started dating last August. We fell in chemical love immediately. He had problems with me going through some bad stuff (financial aid didn't work out for school in Januaray 08, gramps died in February and I didn't get a job until March). Well, he decides that he "needs space" and completely breaks up with me (in April) for three months. I try my hardest to befriend him which was always haulted by hateful sarcasm and really blunt/short answers. I dated around because I wasn't going to sit down and cry over him being an asshole, right? RIGHT. I wasn't...so I dated two different guys when ROB calls me drunk and out of the blue one friday night to ask what my plans were. We end up getting back together, although I can't remember how or wtf I was thinking. He starts acting really eratic and picks fights with me about guys I dated and new friends I had acquired. Now, I honestly thought I could have spent my life with this guy. I was initially angry that he needed "space" but always thought that it was a possibility that he would call again...but I wasn't going to wait for him. I found out about two weeks ago, after a month of being back together, that ROB was taking FUCKING PILLS and didn't tell me. ROB was also skipping out on real estate class every thursday and lying to me about it. ROB had also starting smoking pot avidly and kept the worst from me. Recently, I suspected that ROB was bulimic. He started on a crazy "I don't think this is going to work" rant (something that had become normal) a week and a half ago and this was my oppertunity to confront him...
I told him I didn't trust him anymore. If he was able to keep that he was taking LORATABS away from me, he could actively cheat on me and I wouldn't know. And now that he lied about that, I would never ever be able to trust him again. I then proceeded to let him know that I know things he didn't know I knew (yea, the bulimia). He started off with a "to be brutally honest, no..." Why would you have to be brutally honest, Rob? It then escalated into a "my mom probably thinks the same thing" and then it became really loud and ANGRY. And then, he screams "I BET YOU THINK I HAD SEX WITH LAURA TOO, DON'T YOU???" Ughh. /sigh "No, Rob, I never even once considered that. I took your word that you hadn't. But now that you've said that, I definately know that you did."
I am so fucking angry at this point that I really don't care for a friendship. He called me a couple of days ago and left a voice message. It was the gist of "call me if you feel like it and I was just calling to see how things were going." I messaged him a day later saying that things were shitty because I had pneumonia. And then I asked him if I could get my DVDs back. He said "sure thing."
The problem with Rob is well...there are a lot of problems with Rob...but Rob can't handle other people going through things. Rob can't handle the tough times. He only wants to be there during the happy times. This enrages me to no end. Do you know how much shit I've had to put up with just being with Rob? You can read the above paragraphs to get a general idea, but really, you haven't a good one. Where is MY support during Jenni-crisis? I've been in full support mode during Rob-crisis! UPHOLD YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN, ASSHOLE!
/sigh
I think I'm going to go off on him crazy. To his face. I think that's what he deserves. I haven't ever done that, ever, to a guy. Hell, I haven't gone off on a guy since high school. This one, this one though...he deserves it. Maybe something along the lines of, "I'm not friends with people that actively lie to me...and you are clearly insane." Those lines reiterate themselves in my consciousness every moment I think about holding my old Conan movies safely in my hands again and staring him in the face. QQ? I hope so. He deserves it.
On a lighter note, I feel better that I have vented to um...no one. But I still feel better. Maybe I'll be back on later to write more? I'm still feeling sick so we shall see...
I usually think about how much hate I have for particular people which leads me into frustration. There I (usually) lay crying tears of frustration and anger for what can be up to three hours. I wonder why I was dealt the hand I hold and why it's taking me so long to start anew. I get really angry with myself for having sat and waited and been so disorganized and unfocused for so long. All of this is then immediately blamed on people who should be taking care of me and/or guiding me in the right direction instead of being hateful, neglectful and hurtful. I get angry that I haven't anything to show for years of sewing. I feel like there are a million things I deserve and have worked for that are not in my possesion.
First and foremost being some one to actively love and care for me. I have worked REALLY hard on relationships for the past five years. Learning much and giving more. Why do I still sit here, empty handed? What is it about me that is so incredibly unlovable? I've read a lot of relationship books out of curiousity, though I've never spent a dime on them. All of them point to "they just don't like you enough to love you enough to actively care."
Secondly, I haven't a job. Why is it so hard to find a decent job without crazy co-workers? I have had...1...2...3...4...5...6...jobs in the passed 5 years. All of which were REALLY HORRIBLE to put it lightly. I know that I am a dream employee as I am easy to get along with, very quick to learn, can work independently and efficiently and have high motivation/natural managerial skills. Not to mention highly impressive office/computer skills. Why won't anyone decent hire me? Do I look or smell funny?
Thirdly, I feel that if I want to get an education, I should be able to get an education. This is not the case for me, no. I cannot get an education because no one will financially help me get one. I don't think this is fair. The government needs to change some financial aid laws.
Last and not least, I feel like I deserve a family and a support system. I have put up with a lot of bullshit since 1994 and I feel like I fucking deserve a break. I have ABSOLUTELY NO ONE to talk to. I have people to pretend to be my friend out of courtesy, not because they enjoy me or love me but because they would feel like an asshole if they didn't pretend. Yes, this includes my parents and exboyfriends. That's all I have and it's not helping me out at all. My parents don't ask me anything. They don't ask me how I'm doing. They don't ask me if I need anything. They don't offer me anything. They don't even offer me advice unless it's something that would end up being beneficial to them. Out of the hundreds of people I know around here that are my age, my parents are the ONLY parents that refuse to help their child. If your parents are refusing to help you, please, let me know. I don't like feeling like I'm the only girl from a shitty upper middle class family in America.
Laying, sulking and feeling sorry for myself are not going to make my situation better. I know this. But once I start, its hard to snap out of it. Who have I to vent to other than a computer? No one. It's disheartening and understandably so. Times like this are when I become really angry that I don't have some one that I invested in to talk to.
With that being said, I've decided to make my new ex boyfriend feel incredibly bad about breaking up with me. I know he already feels bad because I'm probably the best girl friend ever. Hell, I've been working on being a good one for five years (almost) solid, I better be! I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it just yet. I know that I want to make him cry to my face or over the phone...something I can see or hear to happily remember later on...
See, I've been putting up with (let's say his name is...) Rob's shit for almost a year. We started dating last August. We fell in chemical love immediately. He had problems with me going through some bad stuff (financial aid didn't work out for school in Januaray 08, gramps died in February and I didn't get a job until March). Well, he decides that he "needs space" and completely breaks up with me (in April) for three months. I try my hardest to befriend him which was always haulted by hateful sarcasm and really blunt/short answers. I dated around because I wasn't going to sit down and cry over him being an asshole, right? RIGHT. I wasn't...so I dated two different guys when ROB calls me drunk and out of the blue one friday night to ask what my plans were. We end up getting back together, although I can't remember how or wtf I was thinking. He starts acting really eratic and picks fights with me about guys I dated and new friends I had acquired. Now, I honestly thought I could have spent my life with this guy. I was initially angry that he needed "space" but always thought that it was a possibility that he would call again...but I wasn't going to wait for him. I found out about two weeks ago, after a month of being back together, that ROB was taking FUCKING PILLS and didn't tell me. ROB was also skipping out on real estate class every thursday and lying to me about it. ROB had also starting smoking pot avidly and kept the worst from me. Recently, I suspected that ROB was bulimic. He started on a crazy "I don't think this is going to work" rant (something that had become normal) a week and a half ago and this was my oppertunity to confront him...
I told him I didn't trust him anymore. If he was able to keep that he was taking LORATABS away from me, he could actively cheat on me and I wouldn't know. And now that he lied about that, I would never ever be able to trust him again. I then proceeded to let him know that I know things he didn't know I knew (yea, the bulimia). He started off with a "to be brutally honest, no..." Why would you have to be brutally honest, Rob? It then escalated into a "my mom probably thinks the same thing" and then it became really loud and ANGRY. And then, he screams "I BET YOU THINK I HAD SEX WITH LAURA TOO, DON'T YOU???" Ughh. /sigh "No, Rob, I never even once considered that. I took your word that you hadn't. But now that you've said that, I definately know that you did."
I am so fucking angry at this point that I really don't care for a friendship. He called me a couple of days ago and left a voice message. It was the gist of "call me if you feel like it and I was just calling to see how things were going." I messaged him a day later saying that things were shitty because I had pneumonia. And then I asked him if I could get my DVDs back. He said "sure thing."
The problem with Rob is well...there are a lot of problems with Rob...but Rob can't handle other people going through things. Rob can't handle the tough times. He only wants to be there during the happy times. This enrages me to no end. Do you know how much shit I've had to put up with just being with Rob? You can read the above paragraphs to get a general idea, but really, you haven't a good one. Where is MY support during Jenni-crisis? I've been in full support mode during Rob-crisis! UPHOLD YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN, ASSHOLE!
/sigh
I think I'm going to go off on him crazy. To his face. I think that's what he deserves. I haven't ever done that, ever, to a guy. Hell, I haven't gone off on a guy since high school. This one, this one though...he deserves it. Maybe something along the lines of, "I'm not friends with people that actively lie to me...and you are clearly insane." Those lines reiterate themselves in my consciousness every moment I think about holding my old Conan movies safely in my hands again and staring him in the face. QQ? I hope so. He deserves it.
On a lighter note, I feel better that I have vented to um...no one. But I still feel better. Maybe I'll be back on later to write more? I'm still feeling sick so we shall see...
8.28.2008
Sick with One foot in the Door, One Foot Out
I've always been subservient and passive. I date selfish men who do nothing for me. I underachieve when it comes to employment which never fails to land me the crappiest customer service jobs ever. Consequently, I end up leaving each job in less than a year. I have been uncertain about my future for half of a decade, always "going with the flow" to my own dismay. I have done nothing to make myself happy since my divorce and I'm pretty certain that if I don't act now I will never be a happy person. I seek adventure. I am twenty-three and have done absolutely nothing with my life. It's time to get up, stop serving people who don't deserve it and make myself happy because there is no one on this earth who can do that for me...especially not chemically imbalanced men.
It's not that I'm unhappy now. It's that there really is nothing here for me. I find this town to be an utter drag. A drag into a hole of mediocrity and trivial drama. And the people...GOD...the PEOPLE...I have only a few friends. Not that I am not social or find it hard to make friends, it's just that the caliber of people here is extremely low. You're either trash or you're snooty, there is no in between. The people I call my friends are only here by default. One of my friends I've known since I was 13 = default, but she moved away and doesn't think of me the same way (because her racist mother told her not to). There's a couple of guys I dated and they still have things for me = default. And then there's my ex husband who needs no explanation to be called default, he is my ex husband and we made amends. Which boils down to the fact that we were just too young and stupid to get married.
The only thing I would be leaving behind if I left would be my little girl mini-datschund, Pooba. I would miss her dearly and wouldn't trust her to just anyone. This is the only thought that pains me when I think about leaving.
And yes, I will leave. I've already made up my mind. Funny how I use the "if I left." This is a definite thing. There really is nothing keeping me here.
I've been working with a recruiter over the past few months. I'm really interested in becoming a cryptologic linguist. Hopefully airborne, but we'll see. Language has always been something I've been interested in, as is travelling...be it to a bad place or good.
Ugh! My thoughts are not cohesive! I'm really sick right now (probably pneumonia) and on a bunch of meds...I thought I would try to calm myself with this but it's just frustrating me! Maybe I should go lie down and elaborate later? Sounds good.
It's not that I'm unhappy now. It's that there really is nothing here for me. I find this town to be an utter drag. A drag into a hole of mediocrity and trivial drama. And the people...GOD...the PEOPLE...I have only a few friends. Not that I am not social or find it hard to make friends, it's just that the caliber of people here is extremely low. You're either trash or you're snooty, there is no in between. The people I call my friends are only here by default. One of my friends I've known since I was 13 = default, but she moved away and doesn't think of me the same way (because her racist mother told her not to). There's a couple of guys I dated and they still have things for me = default. And then there's my ex husband who needs no explanation to be called default, he is my ex husband and we made amends. Which boils down to the fact that we were just too young and stupid to get married.
The only thing I would be leaving behind if I left would be my little girl mini-datschund, Pooba. I would miss her dearly and wouldn't trust her to just anyone. This is the only thought that pains me when I think about leaving.
And yes, I will leave. I've already made up my mind. Funny how I use the "if I left." This is a definite thing. There really is nothing keeping me here.
I've been working with a recruiter over the past few months. I'm really interested in becoming a cryptologic linguist. Hopefully airborne, but we'll see. Language has always been something I've been interested in, as is travelling...be it to a bad place or good.
Ugh! My thoughts are not cohesive! I'm really sick right now (probably pneumonia) and on a bunch of meds...I thought I would try to calm myself with this but it's just frustrating me! Maybe I should go lie down and elaborate later? Sounds good.
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