Worst Weekend Without Divorce

I just had the second worst weekend of my life. I planned to go to the masquerade party Saturday night. "Rob" was going to go with me. GOING to. I found this a perfect oppertunity for jealousy. I looked STUNNING. I had the mask and everything. Hair with roses, bright red lips, tight dress, the works. Well, 1030 rolls around and he is too drunk to drive. So I start heading over and impose myself inside. I told him I was waiting on a call and ended up staying, getting drunk and freaking the fuck out on his couch. I don't know WHY, but I was balling uncontrollably until 5pm yesterday. I've been shakey eversince. I'm pretty sure that was a breakdown. almost 24 hours of semi-solid crying constitutes that much. Consequently, I'm in an odd mood today. I don't know what to think of what happened and I don't know how to conduct the rest of my week.

I'm not sure if I should just NOT call him or what. I know that there are tons of things Jenni needs to do for Jenni (thus the title of this blog). I shouldn't concern myself with all of this "Rob" bullshit. Though I explained myself to Brandon, who was a terrific listener last night. I put it this way: "Rob" is the only guy I felt like I needed although I know thats not true. He's also the only one I've ever seen myself with.

I'm sick of "Rob" and I wish I could just get over him. I should be awesome enough to, but I'm afraid I am not as of yet.

SO here I sit at work on a very unhappening Monday. The bosses are out of town until this evening, and Coty is on lunch break. I really am happy with this one. I plan to stay here for quite a while and get my ass through school. I'm lucky that this worked out and I realize that I could be in the desert somewhere already.

I went to Chris' yesterday to turn off his alarm clock that had been going off at 5am every day for the passed week. I saw flags that were in plastic bags accompanied by peices of paper that state who the flags go to with "fill in the blanks." Wow. If that doesnt hit you like a ton of bricks, I don't know what does. Pretty glad I haven't gone anywhere.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. I have got to figure positive things into my life somehow. Working out, eating right, hobbies, cleaning. It will get done. Now that I have a good job, I should be fine. I need to work on my friendships. Being alone all the time is shitty.

Anyway, I'm going to go smoke one and eat my salad for lunch. I'll write back BETTER later :)