Bored and Sad

Sometimes I just get so down. I just become immediately upset and withdraw from everything and everyone. I have no energy to get up and do anything. I just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders for no apparent reason. It seems like life is getting harder and coincidentally I'm becoming more and more of an emotional pussy. I hate it.

I usually think about how much hate I have for particular people which leads me into frustration. There I (usually) lay crying tears of frustration and anger for what can be up to three hours. I wonder why I was dealt the hand I hold and why it's taking me so long to start anew. I get really angry with myself for having sat and waited and been so disorganized and unfocused for so long. All of this is then immediately blamed on people who should be taking care of me and/or guiding me in the right direction instead of being hateful, neglectful and hurtful. I get angry that I haven't anything to show for years of sewing. I feel like there are a million things I deserve and have worked for that are not in my possesion.

First and foremost being some one to actively love and care for me. I have worked REALLY hard on relationships for the past five years. Learning much and giving more. Why do I still sit here, empty handed? What is it about me that is so incredibly unlovable? I've read a lot of relationship books out of curiousity, though I've never spent a dime on them. All of them point to "they just don't like you enough to love you enough to actively care."

Secondly, I haven't a job. Why is it so hard to find a decent job without crazy co-workers? I have had...1...2...3...4...5...6...jobs in the passed 5 years. All of which were REALLY HORRIBLE to put it lightly. I know that I am a dream employee as I am easy to get along with, very quick to learn, can work independently and efficiently and have high motivation/natural managerial skills. Not to mention highly impressive office/computer skills. Why won't anyone decent hire me? Do I look or smell funny?

Thirdly, I feel that if I want to get an education, I should be able to get an education. This is not the case for me, no. I cannot get an education because no one will financially help me get one. I don't think this is fair. The government needs to change some financial aid laws.

Last and not least, I feel like I deserve a family and a support system. I have put up with a lot of bullshit since 1994 and I feel like I fucking deserve a break. I have ABSOLUTELY NO ONE to talk to. I have people to pretend to be my friend out of courtesy, not because they enjoy me or love me but because they would feel like an asshole if they didn't pretend. Yes, this includes my parents and exboyfriends. That's all I have and it's not helping me out at all. My parents don't ask me anything. They don't ask me how I'm doing. They don't ask me if I need anything. They don't offer me anything. They don't even offer me advice unless it's something that would end up being beneficial to them. Out of the hundreds of people I know around here that are my age, my parents are the ONLY parents that refuse to help their child. If your parents are refusing to help you, please, let me know. I don't like feeling like I'm the only girl from a shitty upper middle class family in America.

Laying, sulking and feeling sorry for myself are not going to make my situation better. I know this. But once I start, its hard to snap out of it. Who have I to vent to other than a computer? No one. It's disheartening and understandably so. Times like this are when I become really angry that I don't have some one that I invested in to talk to.

With that being said, I've decided to make my new ex boyfriend feel incredibly bad about breaking up with me. I know he already feels bad because I'm probably the best girl friend ever. Hell, I've been working on being a good one for five years (almost) solid, I better be! I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it just yet. I know that I want to make him cry to my face or over the phone...something I can see or hear to happily remember later on...

See, I've been putting up with (let's say his name is...) Rob's shit for almost a year. We started dating last August. We fell in chemical love immediately. He had problems with me going through some bad stuff (financial aid didn't work out for school in Januaray 08, gramps died in February and I didn't get a job until March). Well, he decides that he "needs space" and completely breaks up with me (in April) for three months. I try my hardest to befriend him which was always haulted by hateful sarcasm and really blunt/short answers. I dated around because I wasn't going to sit down and cry over him being an asshole, right? RIGHT. I wasn't...so I dated two different guys when ROB calls me drunk and out of the blue one friday night to ask what my plans were. We end up getting back together, although I can't remember how or wtf I was thinking. He starts acting really eratic and picks fights with me about guys I dated and new friends I had acquired. Now, I honestly thought I could have spent my life with this guy. I was initially angry that he needed "space" but always thought that it was a possibility that he would call again...but I wasn't going to wait for him. I found out about two weeks ago, after a month of being back together, that ROB was taking FUCKING PILLS and didn't tell me. ROB was also skipping out on real estate class every thursday and lying to me about it. ROB had also starting smoking pot avidly and kept the worst from me. Recently, I suspected that ROB was bulimic. He started on a crazy "I don't think this is going to work" rant (something that had become normal) a week and a half ago and this was my oppertunity to confront him...

I told him I didn't trust him anymore. If he was able to keep that he was taking LORATABS away from me, he could actively cheat on me and I wouldn't know. And now that he lied about that, I would never ever be able to trust him again. I then proceeded to let him know that I know things he didn't know I knew (yea, the bulimia). He started off with a "to be brutally honest, no..." Why would you have to be brutally honest, Rob? It then escalated into a "my mom probably thinks the same thing" and then it became really loud and ANGRY. And then, he screams "I BET YOU THINK I HAD SEX WITH LAURA TOO, DON'T YOU???" Ughh. /sigh "No, Rob, I never even once considered that. I took your word that you hadn't. But now that you've said that, I definately know that you did."

I am so fucking angry at this point that I really don't care for a friendship. He called me a couple of days ago and left a voice message. It was the gist of "call me if you feel like it and I was just calling to see how things were going." I messaged him a day later saying that things were shitty because I had pneumonia. And then I asked him if I could get my DVDs back. He said "sure thing."

The problem with Rob is well...there are a lot of problems with Rob...but Rob can't handle other people going through things. Rob can't handle the tough times. He only wants to be there during the happy times. This enrages me to no end. Do you know how much shit I've had to put up with just being with Rob? You can read the above paragraphs to get a general idea, but really, you haven't a good one. Where is MY support during Jenni-crisis? I've been in full support mode during Rob-crisis! UPHOLD YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN, ASSHOLE!

/sigh

I think I'm going to go off on him crazy. To his face. I think that's what he deserves. I haven't ever done that, ever, to a guy. Hell, I haven't gone off on a guy since high school. This one, this one though...he deserves it. Maybe something along the lines of, "I'm not friends with people that actively lie to me...and you are clearly insane." Those lines reiterate themselves in my consciousness every moment I think about holding my old Conan movies safely in my hands again and staring him in the face. QQ? I hope so. He deserves it.

On a lighter note, I feel better that I have vented to um...no one. But I still feel better. Maybe I'll be back on later to write more? I'm still feeling sick so we shall see...

Sick with One foot in the Door, One Foot Out

I've always been subservient and passive. I date selfish men who do nothing for me. I underachieve when it comes to employment which never fails to land me the crappiest customer service jobs ever. Consequently, I end up leaving each job in less than a year. I have been uncertain about my future for half of a decade, always "going with the flow" to my own dismay. I have done nothing to make myself happy since my divorce and I'm pretty certain that if I don't act now I will never be a happy person. I seek adventure. I am twenty-three and have done absolutely nothing with my life. It's time to get up, stop serving people who don't deserve it and make myself happy because there is no one on this earth who can do that for me...especially not chemically imbalanced men.

It's not that I'm unhappy now. It's that there really is nothing here for me. I find this town to be an utter drag. A drag into a hole of mediocrity and trivial drama. And the people...GOD...the PEOPLE...I have only a few friends. Not that I am not social or find it hard to make friends, it's just that the caliber of people here is extremely low. You're either trash or you're snooty, there is no in between. The people I call my friends are only here by default. One of my friends I've known since I was 13 = default, but she moved away and doesn't think of me the same way (because her racist mother told her not to). There's a couple of guys I dated and they still have things for me = default. And then there's my ex husband who needs no explanation to be called default, he is my ex husband and we made amends. Which boils down to the fact that we were just too young and stupid to get married.

The only thing I would be leaving behind if I left would be my little girl mini-datschund, Pooba. I would miss her dearly and wouldn't trust her to just anyone. This is the only thought that pains me when I think about leaving.

And yes, I will leave. I've already made up my mind. Funny how I use the "if I left." This is a definite thing. There really is nothing keeping me here.

I've been working with a recruiter over the past few months. I'm really interested in becoming a cryptologic linguist. Hopefully airborne, but we'll see. Language has always been something I've been interested in, as is travelling...be it to a bad place or good.

Ugh! My thoughts are not cohesive! I'm really sick right now (probably pneumonia) and on a bunch of meds...I thought I would try to calm myself with this but it's just frustrating me! Maybe I should go lie down and elaborate later? Sounds good.