Much, Much Later

I've been working my ass off as of late. I haven't had, or done much worrying about Rob. The farther I get away from him, the better I feel about being apart and the more and more I dislike him as a person. A couple of weeks ago, he took me off of his friends list on Facebook because I had the page tabbed and was consumed at work and didn't answer his asshole question of "hay, you can't answer text messages?" LIKE I WOULD WANT TO! I ignored him that friday, because it made me feel better to know he wanted to hang out. That was enough for me. His little bitch fit just justifies who he is as a person. Why would I want to be around some one that makes me feel like shit all the time? I can hang out with my EXHUSBAND REGULARLY and he doesn't make me feel like shit. How does that work and you don't?

Rob is just a big loser. I should have listened to my friends earlier and saved myself some time. I've picked out a ring that I'm going to buy to remind myself to never let my standards waver, ever. Until some one puts another ring on that finger, I'm going to be hard about who I love. After all, I am way too good of a girl to put up with shit. I am way too nice, giving, loyal and honest for almost all of the relationships I've been through. And relationships like I've endured MAKE you subservient. I don't want to be the subservient one, I want to be some one equal. In due time...

I'm finding this no dating thing to be easy. I have no interest in getting to know some one new right now and spending all of my money on them. I quite enjoy having nice things, and making guys eyes light up wherever I go is enough for me. I rather enjoy being untouchable by any hands. That means no one owns me, and I can do as I please ALL THE TIME. Isn't that wonderful? I also don't feel restrained in conversation. I really like being extroverted, honest and talkative. I feel like I have nothing to hide; like a bad boyfriend that embarasses me on a regular basis and make me cry. Who wants that?

I also felt at one point like I needed Rob. When I was unemployed my network was so small, and I couldn't do anything without him. I felt like he was my support when in the end, IYE supported me. I was the one that made me feel better. He never once offered a lending hand. If ever that came from some one else, it was from friends. Who wants to be with some one who is not supportive? I don't.

And who wants to be with some one who doesn't want to listen to you talk about your problems? WTF IS THAT? Who acts like that? Who is in a relationship and doesn't want to talk? Or listen? This makes no sense to me. He makes no sense to me. Know why? BECAUSE HES BATSHIT CRAZY.

Needless to say, my life right now is really good. I LOVE my job. I love my weekends. Things are just fucking fantastic. I just started my credit. I'll be paying off my card next month (Oct) and saving a ton so I can get a new car before January. I want a 2002 Honda Accord. Very nice, very reliable and very affordable. I should be starting classes in January as well. There is no if ands or buts about it. If I can't get a loan, I'm going to use the money I saved up to buy a couple classes instead of a car. I would prefer to get a loan to pay for four classes (2 in spring, 2 in summer). I hope I can make it happen. I REALLY want to get the ball rolling for school.

This is Jenni time. And this is seriously defining selfishness. Because being at least a tiny bit selfish feels SOOO good. Love for yourself is essential to happiness.

And Then I Get Home

And what happens? Life seems just a tad harder and all of the things I couldn't think about while I was at work come flooding back. I hate that I can't get over this. I HATE IT. I just hate that this hasn't ceased to wrack my brain. What is it about him? What's so damn special? Really? What the fuck is it? I need Pros and Cons here.

Pros- He's funny. We have a LOT of the same interests. He's attractive. He's charming half of the time. He cares about me. He's got his financial shit straight. He's tall. He's always interesting. He gets me to talk some times. He has good taste. He has a good family.

Cons- He's selfish. He has low self esteam. He's ultra sensative. He's not emotionally mature. Hes not very smart. He lies to me. He withholds stuff from me. He never shares. He says shit that upsets me on a regular basis. He never notices the little things/sacrifices. He smokes pot, drinks and god knows what else. He could very possibly be bulimic.

I'm done with this. Its making me sleepy.

Worst Weekend Without Divorce

I just had the second worst weekend of my life. I planned to go to the masquerade party Saturday night. "Rob" was going to go with me. GOING to. I found this a perfect oppertunity for jealousy. I looked STUNNING. I had the mask and everything. Hair with roses, bright red lips, tight dress, the works. Well, 1030 rolls around and he is too drunk to drive. So I start heading over and impose myself inside. I told him I was waiting on a call and ended up staying, getting drunk and freaking the fuck out on his couch. I don't know WHY, but I was balling uncontrollably until 5pm yesterday. I've been shakey eversince. I'm pretty sure that was a breakdown. almost 24 hours of semi-solid crying constitutes that much. Consequently, I'm in an odd mood today. I don't know what to think of what happened and I don't know how to conduct the rest of my week.

I'm not sure if I should just NOT call him or what. I know that there are tons of things Jenni needs to do for Jenni (thus the title of this blog). I shouldn't concern myself with all of this "Rob" bullshit. Though I explained myself to Brandon, who was a terrific listener last night. I put it this way: "Rob" is the only guy I felt like I needed although I know thats not true. He's also the only one I've ever seen myself with.

I'm sick of "Rob" and I wish I could just get over him. I should be awesome enough to, but I'm afraid I am not as of yet.

SO here I sit at work on a very unhappening Monday. The bosses are out of town until this evening, and Coty is on lunch break. I really am happy with this one. I plan to stay here for quite a while and get my ass through school. I'm lucky that this worked out and I realize that I could be in the desert somewhere already.

I went to Chris' yesterday to turn off his alarm clock that had been going off at 5am every day for the passed week. I saw flags that were in plastic bags accompanied by peices of paper that state who the flags go to with "fill in the blanks." Wow. If that doesnt hit you like a ton of bricks, I don't know what does. Pretty glad I haven't gone anywhere.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. I have got to figure positive things into my life somehow. Working out, eating right, hobbies, cleaning. It will get done. Now that I have a good job, I should be fine. I need to work on my friendships. Being alone all the time is shitty.

Anyway, I'm going to go smoke one and eat my salad for lunch. I'll write back BETTER later :)

That's Life

Things don't always turn out like you planned. In fact, I would say 99 percent of my life hasn't turned out like I originally planned. I got a call at 9 o'clock this morning that I most definitely wasn't anticipating. Coty called to tell me his sister was finally into hiring me and that she wanted to talk to me ASAP. I woke up, ate and rushed to Chris' house to close up shop then headed DIRECTLY to the office.

She ends up talking to me for a few hours. It was a gradual thing. She explained everything in a very sidetracked manner. It was hard to keep up with her thought patterns, but I guess I did a good job because she hired me. I'm basically on probabation for a couple of months until I get everything down pat. She just wants to make sure that I am smart enough to stay and actually WANT to stay. Of course I want to stay! This could mean a million wonderful things for Jenni!

I now have a really good, clerical, decent paying job. Hooray! I'll be able to afford getting the fuck out of this god forsaken house and getting on with my life that should be together already.

You know, after every time I watch Black Snake Moan I get into a duck/water analogy and forgive past bullshit immediately. I don't know why I have the ability to overlook really fucked up things in people. I just know that it's a horrible thing that I wish I would grow out of.

I still have the urge to rub "Rob's" face into his own shit. Part of me wants a friendship. Part of me wants a relationship. And the other larger chunk of me wants to make him CRAWL ON HIS FUCKING KNEES, CRY FOR FORGIVENESS AND WORSHIP ME. I think I'll make it happen. I know I have the ability. I'll just need to take it slowly.

I read a rule book that suggested I look ridiculous, be happy without him and flirt flirt flirt. That's not too hard. I'll start off first with the looking good part. I need to stop the smoking and start the running. Spend $$ and time on my hair, skin and nails. And wardrobe? OH! That will be the funnest part of all! SHOPPING! I think I eventually wanna go platinum blond. Need to lose weight first though. 15 lbs is doable.

Alright, I'm gg outside. I could sit here and revel, but I'm actually getting interaction.

Friends!

Today started off like any other. Woke up late due to nyquil. Played WoW. I played for a solid six hours at least. I went to the bank to check my balance then went to the store. Mom made food for the holiday and invited Chris over. We had chicken, corn and noodle salad. Wasn't too bad.

Chris and I ended up watching Black Snake Moan at his place. He got a nice new TV with his lease. We came back here with Bowser because he's going to be staying here for a week. YAY! BOWSER!!!!

I'm so happy to finally get to spend time with him although Pooba seems to not be too happy. He puts her in her place and she needs that. She doesn't think she does, but she does. I love them both to death. They're my puppies! :)

Tomorrow I'm going to clean up a little and give Bowser and Pooba baths. I have to go by Chris' after I get up to lock it. Boy how things have changed. You know, I never thought that I could have a positive friendship with Chris after the divorce. I finally see that good can come from such pain. I know he feels the same way towards me as I do towards him. I just hope that we can learn to confide in eachother better down the road. I think we have potential to be really close again, without breaking those boundaries. One day we'll be able to call eachother best friends without having those little things in the back of our minds, bet. Chris is a really good guy.

Anyways, I'm actually feeling a bit tired right now. I think I'm going to go chill. Not too motivated to write well.